The paradox of studying what you are supposed to inherently know

G. californianus is widely present in mexico and the south of the USA. Today, one of our teacher spoke of his experiences in mexico, specifically in a region where Peyote, a hallucinogenic cacti, grows and is cultivated/used by the Huichol, a native group. 

Some of the descriptions absolutely thrilled me, other less. I knew roadrunners coexisted with zones where cold and snow could be a thing, but it always somewhat bothers me. I suppose that if i had a past life, it was not in one of these zones. I fare much better with warmer winters. It's always interesting, when in my studies, someone mention my specie. It's a strange little secret and i'm always afraid of being almost... arrogant, in seeing myself as an animal while studying them. I see my nature as psychological, a strange neurotype i developed. How could i claim to know enough through my own personal madness to see myself as an animal? Each things i get wrong when talking about my theriotype feels frustrating, because i should know better. I suppose it's just something to let go off, i dislike seeing my therianthropy as mimicry, as much as i find it unrealistic there's something so comforting about the idea of a truth, a spiritual you that you can claim thoroughly. 

It's why i can't fully decide between spiritual and psychological, I think. Just can't let go of the possibility i was more right than i even claim, even when faced with the fractures in the facade.
 

The chihuahuan desert, one of the places i feel most connected to.
 

Dimorphism

Sexual dimorphism seems pretty rare in cuculiforms, which is a shame, as it's one of the only thing really missing in the roadrunner that bothers me a bit. Feels like what i am should have some sort of dimorphism, and the koel (Eudynamys scolopaceus) portrays something familiar to me pretty well. High contrast with a black plumage and strong accents. It feels familiar. If one day i find a dimorphic ground cuckoo, might give the roadrunner a run for it's money in term of theriotype... But ah, the rest of the koel is pretty far fetched compared to my instinct, while the roadrunner fits everything else remarkably well.